


Insanity at the Bunker

by orphan_account



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Bottom Sam Winchester, Case Fic, Castiel/Dean Winchester Dancing, Cheating, Cheating Sam Winchester, Comforting Gabriel (Supernatural), Comforting Lucifer (Supernatural), Crack, Crying Sam Winchester, Dancing, Dean Winchester Cannot Dance, Dean Winchester Eats, Dean Winchester Loves Castiel, Dean Winchester Swears, Drooling Dean Winchester, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Crack, For a minute, Gabriel (Supernatural) in Panties, Gabriel and Lucifer fight over Sam, Humor, I Can't Believe I Wrote This, It's literally just crack, LITERALLY, Light Angst, Love songs, M/M, Mpreg, Multi, Name Changes, Nudity, Penguins, Polyamory, Polyamory Negotiations, Pregnant Sam Winchester, Protective Gabriel (Supernatural), Sam Winchester's Hair, Sauerkraut, Sexual Humor, Sick Sam Winchester, Soulmates, Squirrel Dean Winchester, Squirrels, Strip Poker, Trickster Gabriel (Supernatural), Tricksters, Vomiting, Word Games, blame Sam's archangels, but he tries, but not anymore, cuz Cas, destiel crack, he says cotton candy instead, sabrifer crack, sparkly poop
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-01
Updated: 2019-06-04
Packaged: 2020-04-05 20:39:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,567
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19048000
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: I've never written crack and wanted to try it. This is ridiculous and quite funny.Sam is pregnant- with a penguin. Oh, and he has two boyfriends who don't know about each other.Dean is STRAIGHT. 100%. He doesn't spend hours staring into Castiel's lovey, angelic, impossibly blue, glowing, oblivious, magical eyes, which is why he can tell you every detail about how incredible those eyes are.They're both idiots, and Gabriel and Lucifer prank everybody. Just normal life in the bunker.





	1. vomiting- a case- intro Gabe

**Author's Note:**

> This is gonna have dead bodies, sexual references and dialogue, cheating, some internalized homophobia cuz Dean, dumb pranks, slash, penguins, and bath bombs (ie bombs that are bathtubs)
> 
> Now you're warned. Have fun!

“Hey, Sammy!” Dean yelled, skipping through the Halls of the Grand Men of Letters Bunker. “I found a caaaase! And it’s right here in Lebanon! We have to leave Five minutes Ago to defeat the evil in the world!” He punched Sam’s bedroom door so hard that the hinges Broke and hopped inside. 

Sam lay spread eagled on the bed, Moping. “I’m Sick! Just leave me here to die.” 

“But it’s sunny outside!” Dean wailed, “We hafta go Hunting!”

Sam rolled over and Glowered at him. “Fine,” he snapped, “What’s the hunt?” 

“I don’t know, but we have to gank it!” Dean cheered. 

Sam threw up all over the floor. “You go. I’m sick.” 

“You’ll feel better with some fresh air,” Dean told him, “Let’s get out of here!”

“Alright, alright,” Sam grumbled, throwing a pillow and knocking Dean’s ear sideways. 

Dean twisted his ear back into place, and they went hunting. 

THAT’S AWESOME ;[

“Imagine getting Squished to death and stabbed,” Dean said, impressed. 

Sam poked the body with his toe and tried not to vomit all over the crime scene. His belly bulged. “It’s just a body, Dean,” Sam said,  _ un _ impressed. 

“But how often do you see somebody get killed by a giant jean cloth butterfly?!?!” 

“Let’s go look at his room and see if we can figure out anything about the guy,” Sam suggested reasonably. 

“Sure, you go do your boring fact finding thingy,” Dean said, “Imma go find Another crime scene!” 

Sam rolled his eyes so hard he saw the inside of his head. It was full of lots and lots of books. 

Sam found a bug collection in the guy’s room. And lots a dead or half dead insects that had been torn apart. Almost tortured. It was creepy. 

_ Look What You Made Me Do _ started playing really loudly from Sam’s pocket. He pulled out his phone and stared at it. “That isn’t my ringtone…” 

He picked it up. “Heya, Dean.” 

“I found a crime scene,” Dean said, “You’ve gotta come look at it. It’s AWESOME!!!”

“Be there in five,” Sam said, hanging up and running out of the vic’s bedroom. He slipped on a KitKat wrapper at the top of the stairs and went tumbling on down them. “Ouchie!” he screamed, trying to defend his belly. 

He got lots of nasty bruises and maybe a few broken bones on the way down, but when he stood up at the bottom he was fine and even his sickness was gone. “Oh, that’s weird,” Sam said. He shrugged it off. He had to go see the new crime scene. 

THAT’S AWESOME ;[

“Look, Sam!” Dean said excitedly, “Poop!” 

“Ew, Dean,” Sam said, “That’s gross.” 

“That’s the point!” Dean cheered, “Sparkly iridescent poop, Sam! And the vic drowned in it.” 

Sam studied the body. He had glittery feces all over his face and jammed down his throat, but Sam recognized him. “That’s a politician,” he said, “I saw him on the news yesterday.” 

“Was he talking shit?” Dean joked. 

Sam gave him  _ The Look _ ™. 

“I know what we’re dealing with,” Sam realized. 

“Yeah?” Dean asked, “What!?” 

“The trickster.” 

A crowd cheered! A Banner appeared over Sam’s head, and Sam and Dean both got Covered in Confetti. Gabriel appeared and threw lots of sequins at them both. 

“Son of a bitch,” was all Dean could think of to say. 

“Congratulations, Samsquatch!” Gabriel cheered, “You solved it! You’re a genius!” 

Sam blushed. “There were just a whole bunch of clues,” he mumbled Bashfully. 

“But  _ you _ put them all together,” Gabriel said. He winked at Sam. 

“Hey! You, stop it,” Dean ordered Gabriel. 

“Stop  _ what _ ?” Gabriel asked oh so innocently. 

“Flirting! With  _ my _ brother!” 

“It’s fine, Dean,” Sam mumbled. 

Dean stared at Sam. “You like him.” 

Sam shrugged. 

“He totally loves me,” Gabriel said, grinning. “Right, Sam-my-sunshine?” 

“Yes,” Sam admitted, cheeks Pink. 

“Should’ve known,” Dean grumbled, “Gay ass long hair was a dead giveaway.” 

“You’re not mad, are you?” Sam asked worriedly. 

“Nah, it’s cool,” Dean said, “It’s just weird. Cuz, like, I’m Totally Straight.” 

“Oh, yeah, Dean’s totally straight,” Gabriel agreed, “He never Stares at Cassie’s Ass for twenty minutes at a time. Not gay at all.” 

Dean choked. “That’s not true!” 

“There, he admitted it!” Gabriel enthused. 

“No, no, I meant- I don’t look at Cas’ Ass! Ever!” 

“Which is what I said,” Gabriel said, Smirking. 

Dean gave up. 

“Well, since the case is solved we should head back to the bunker,” Sam said, “Nothing to hunt here.” 

Dean looked disappointed. “We can’t gank your boyfriend?” 

“No,” Sam snapped, “No, c’mon.” 

 


	2. intro Lucifer- squirrel Dean- intro Cas

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So there's like angst and nudity in this chapter that I haven't warned for before, if anyone cares. Oh, and cuteness and romantic silly fluff.

“I’m starving to Death!” Dean wailed. He popped open the refrigerator. “We’re out of everything but the trickster’s sugar. Oo, wait.” He pulled a jar of sauerkraut out. “We’ve got food!” Dean drank the jar of sauerkraut and somehow managed not to choke. “That tasted funny.” 

Sam walked in and saw Dean with the sauerkraut jar. “You didn’t.” 

“Eat this? Yeah.” 

“Uh, Dean?” 

“Yeah?” 

“That was from when I tried to get Gabriel to eat sauerkraut. It’s mostly sugar. And that was over a month ago.” 

“You’ve been seeing that dick for over a month and I didn’t hear about it!?” Dean demanded. 

“Dean, it’s Gabriel,” Sam said, “You would’ve thought I was nuts.” 

“Yeah, I wonder why! It’s Nuts. He tortured you. He smashed your Nuts in that Japanese Gameshow Thingy.” 

“Yeah, but that was ages ago,” Sam said, “He’s great to me now. He’s funny and sweet and incredible and he’s great in bed and he has those warm golden eyes…” Sam slipped into a daydream. 

Dean mimed vomiting. 

The ceiling Shook. Dean looked up at it, confused. “Huh?” The bunker was Too Tough to shake, right? The ceiling rattled again, and cracks appeared in it. The entire room turned red as warning lights flashed and a siren went off. “Uh oh,” Dean said, “This is bad.” 

Sam was still daydreaming obliviously. 

“Dude! Wake up!” Dean yelled. He grabbed Sam’s shoulders and shook him. “Stop daydreaming! The ceiling’s gonna cave in and we’re all gonna die for the Millionth time!” 

Sam was still lost in the memory of Gabriel’s beautiful Gold Eyes…

Part of the ceiling broke and a bathtub came crashing in. It exploded. 

Dean stared in shock as bits of bathtub landed around him. Sam didn’t notice. 

Another bath bomb tore through the bunker and exploded. It broke the refrigerator. Dean whined piteously. He  _ loved _ that refrigerator. How would he survive without it? 

The third bathtub landed perilously close to the daydreaming Sam. Dean had to snap him out of it. “Sam!” he yelled as loud as possible in Sam’s ear. “SAAAAAMMMMM!!!!” No reaction. “C’mon, bitch. Sammy, snap out of it. I’ll chop off all your hair.” 

“Don’t you dare!” Sam snapped, eyes refocusing as he returned to the mortal plane. “Oh. We’re under attack.” 

“Saaaammmy!” A blonde guy tackled Sam in an overenthusiastic hug and Kissed all over his face. 

“Whaaaaa…?” Dean asked, baffled as usual when it came to his little brother’s Love Life. First Gabriel, and now- wait, was that Lucifer?!

“Get Off My brother, Satan!” Dean screamed. 

Lucifer looked away from His beloved Sam. “Ugh, it’s the stupid one,” he complained. 

Sam studied Dean worriedly. “You’re not really gonna try to cut my Hair, are you?” He held his hands defensively over his long hair. 

“You would try to cut my Sammy’s hair?!” Lucifer demanded, horrified, “How dare you suggest such an Atrocity! I’ll cut off all  _ your _ hair.” 

And with a snap of Lucifer’s fingers Dean was bald. He didn’t even have any eyebrows. 

Sam Giggled and pointed at Dean. “You look so funny! That’s great, Luci!” 

“You calling  _ the devil _ by a nickname?!” Dean cried, “This is horrible. How could you go dark side like this, Sammy? I thought you loved me.”

“Dude,” Sam said, “What happened to no chick flick moments?” 

“Oh, right,” Dean said, “I’m Macho. I don’t care. Date whoever you want, as long as you’re topping.” 

“Well…” Sam hesitated. 

Castiel appeared, sobbing. “Hello, Dean,” he wailed, “I came as soon as I heard the news. Your hair. Your perfect, perfect hair. It’s too tragic!” 

“Don’t worry, little bro!” Gabriel said, popping into existence, “I’ll give Deano back all his hair.” He snapped, turning Dean into a cute, Fluffy little squirrel who panicked and went to hide in Cas’ pants. 

“Gabriel, turn him back,” Sam said sternly. 

“But Saaaaaam,” Gabriel whined. 

Sam did the puppy eyes. “Gabe, please. For me?” 

“Of course,” Gabriel said hurriedly, snapping to turn Dean back into a human with the proper amount of hair. “Please don’t cry, Sammy. I didn’t mean it. I love you.” 

Dean had been in Castiel’s pants, so when he turned back into a human things were a bit awkward. He was lying between Cas’ legs, and he’d managed to pull Cas’ pants and boxers down. “Um,” Dean stammered, choking on his own spit. 

Castiel looked down at himself. “This is inappropriate,” he said in his usual emotionless tone. 

“Cas,” Dean breathed. A line of drool slid down from his mouth. 

“Cassie and Deano, sittin in a tree!” Gabriel sang. 

“F-U-C-K-I-N-G,” Lucifer added. 

“First comes love, then comes admitting it, then comes Deano with a baby carriage!” Gabriel finished. 

Dean scrambled out from between Cas’ legs, blushing bright red all over his face. “Nothin happened!” He wiped drool off his chin. 

Castiel studied Dean. Their eyes met, and they got lost for several minutes. 

Sam broke the moment. “Um, Cas?” he asked, “Can you maybe pull up your pants?” 

Cas pulled up his pants while Dean blushed like a virgin on his wedding night. 

There was an awkward pause until Lucifer realised something. “Sammy, love?” 

“Yeah?” Sam asked. 

Gabriel: “Did you just call  _ my boyfriend _ ‘love’?” At the same time, Lucifer: “Why are you pregnant with a penguin?” 

“Um…” Sam rubbed his neck nervously. “I’m sorry.” 

“YOU’RE PREGNANT WITH A PENGUIN!!!!!????!?” Dean screamed. He started hyperventilating. “Sam’s pregnant. Sam’s carrying a penguin. Sam has two boyfriends. Sam’s pregnant. Penguins. Can’t breathe. Help. Penguins.” Dean fainted, but Cas was there to catch him. 

Cas picked Dean up bridal style. “You three sort this out. I will assist Dean’s recovery.” He left. 

Lucifer and Gabriel glared at Sam. “You cheated on me with my own brother?” they demanded in unison. 

Sam took a step back. “Um… I’m really sorry,” he tried, “I’m- I’m pregnant with a penguin?” 

“Not important,” Gabriel snapped. 

“OK,” Sam said meekly. Why had he cheated on his boyfriends with each other? Now he had to deal with two angry, heartbroken archangels. 

“Sam, we’re soulmates,” Lucifer said sadly, “How could you do this to me- to us?” 

“OK, so I get it; he’s your soulmate blah blah blah,” Gabriel said angrily, “But you cheated on me with my own brother?! Why, Sammy, why?”

“I-I’m s-sorry,” Sam stammered, beginning to cry. “Y-you were both so amazing, and I-I couldn’t pick. And it didn’t matter, cuz, y’know, you were these awesome archangels and I was some stupid, pathetic, l-less-than-human m-monster. I didn’t think either of you would ever dream of wanting me. But- but then y-you both did. And- and- I c-couldn’t s-say no to- to either of you. I know I shouldn’t’ve l-lied. I’m s-s-sor-r-ry.” 

“Oh, baby,” Gabriel soothed, putting his arm around Sam’s shoulders and petting his hair, “Don’t cry. I forgive you.” 

Sam leaned into Gabriel but kept his head down. He couldn’t stand to meet either of their eyes. Lucifer pulled his head up with one finger under his chin. Sam’s lips trembled, but he let Lucifer move his head and make him look him in the eyes. 

“You’re not a monster, Sammy,” Lucifer said, “Most humans are, but you’re not. I don’t forgive you, though.” 

“Please,” Sam whimpered, “I- I’ll do anything.” 

Lucifer crossed his arms. “Do me while Gabriel watches.” 

Sam looked nervously to Gabriel.

“It’s fine,” Gabriel said, “As long as afterwards you do  _ me _ while he watches.” 

Sam blushed nervously and looked back and forth between his two boyfriends for a moment before nodding. 

TH _A_ T’S **A** WES _O_ M **E**

Dean marched into the room. And then he stopped and covered his eyes, because his little brother was asleep Naked on the floor between Gabriel and Lucifer, both of whom were awake and watching him. All of their thighs were splattered in Cum. 

“Did you just have  _ gay threesome sex _ with my brother!?” Dean squeaked. 

“Yup,” Lucifer said,  _ licking _ his  _ lips _ . 

“He bottomed, too,” Gabriel informed Dean, grinning. 

Dean nearly fainted again. “My poor little brother,” he wailed. 

“Have you had some experience bottoming for two men at once?” Gabriel inquired, “Cuz you sound like you have personal exp-”

Dean cut him off. “I’m Straight!” 

Cas walked in, smiling at Dean. “Hello, Dean.” 

Dean’s knees went weak at the sound of his deep, rough voice. Cas had to catch him and steady him. Dean stared dreamily into Cas’ eyes. “Hey, Cas,” he breathed. 

Gabriel coughed. “Gay!” 

Dean scowled at him. 

“Just kiss already,” Lucifer told them, rolling his eyes, “You’re basically married anyway.” 

Dean was about to laugh rather breathlessly and pretend that it was just a joke to him, but then- Cas’ lip were soft against his own. Dean’s whole world crumbled and was replaced with just Castiel. Castiel’s lips- his arms around Dean- the feel of him pressed up against him- Dean gave a needy moan and melted into a Puddle of Gush in Cas’ arms. 

“Finally,” Sam said in his sleep. 

Lucifer laughed. “Sam can ship you two idiots in his sleep!” 

 


	3. Play with Words ie Lu and Gabe get bored

“Hey, Dumbass!” Sunshine called, knocking on his brother’s door late in the morning, “Wait, what did I just call you? Dumbass? Argh, I mean- Dumbass. Dumbass. Dumbass, every time I try to say your name it comes out Dumbass instead!” 

“Wha…?” Dumbass called, waking up slowly, “What is it, Sunshine?” 

Sunshine stared at the door, brow wrinkled. “Did you just call me Sunshine?” 

“Uh, no,” Dumbass said, “Why would I call you Sunshine, Sunshine? Wait, what!?” Dumbass tried to jump out of bed, but, hindered by his blankets, landed on the floor instead. “Ow!”

“Dumbass!” Sunshine called. 

“I’m not a Dumbass,” Dumbass insisted crossly, “Stop calling me that, Sunshine.” 

“I think I need to talk to my boyfriends about this,” Sunshine said. 

“Stupid pranks are their MO,” Dumbass agreed, “This seems more like a Walking Orgasm prank than a His Greatness prank.” 

Sunshine’s mouth fell open, and he burst into laughter. “What did you just  _ call _ them?! Really, Dumbass?” 

Dumbass wasn’t sure what to say, so he went for his staple. “My love.” 

Sunshine blinked at him. “Huh?” 

Dumbass blinked. “You’re supposed to say ‘dearest’.”

“OK,” Sunshine said slowly, “That’s weird, dearest.” 

Dumbass looked confused. “Dearest?”

“No, I said-” Sunshine paused, “Oh, that’s changed as well. My love is my love and dearest is dearest.” 

Dumbass just blinked at him. “OK, my love.” 

Sunshine snickered. 

R a i n b o W

“Hey, Your Greatness,” Sunshine said. He checked himself in confusion and looked embarrassed. “Uh, Your Greatness, I think there’s something- wrong-” 

“Everything seems fine to me, Sunshine,” His Greatness said, coming over to Sunshine and cupping his cheek gently. 

Sunshine leaned into the touch with a soft, dreamy expression. “There was something I was supposed to ask Your Greatness.” 

“I’m sure it’s nothing important, Sunshine, sweetheart,” His Greatness said gently. 

“What’s important?” Walking Orgasm inquired, skipping up to them. 

“Hey, Walking Orgasm,” Sunshine said, smiling at his other boyfriend, “I was just trying to remember what I’d come to talk to you and His Greatness about. Wait, what?!” Sunshine shrieked. “Did I just call Walking Orgasm  _ Walking Orgasm?! _ ”

“Uh huh,” Walking Orgasm said, smirking. 

“OK, that’s my question,” Sunshine said, “What the candyland did you two do? Wait, did I just say candyland? Seriously?” 

“Sunshine, I have no idea what you’re talking about,” Walking Orgasm said. 

Sunshine crossed his arms. “I don’t believe you, Walking Orgasm.” He clamped his hands over his mouth. “Guys!” he squeaked. 

“You’re adorable, Sunshine,” His Greatness told Sunshine. 

Sunshine blushed and hid his face in His Greatness’ shirt. 

“Aw,” Walking Orgasm cooed, “Our little Sunshine’s being all shy. Cutie.” 

“ _ Walking Orgasm,” _ Sunshine whined, then squeaked and blushed, realising what he’d said. “Your Greatness?” he asked timidly. 

“Yeah, Sunshine?” His Greatness said, carding his fingers through Sunshine’s long, pretty hair. 

“How long are you guys gonna keep this up for?” 

“That, sweetheart, is for us to know and you to find out,” His Greatness said, smirking and pressing a gentle kiss to Sunshine’s forehead. 

“Super long,” Walking Orgasm added, “I’m lovin this.” He made a lollipop appear and sucked it into his mouth as Inappropriately as he could. 

Dumbass stormed in furiously. “What did you two pink sparkle cotton candies do?!” 

His Greatness snickered and Walking Orgasm grinned evilly at Dumbass. 

“Hey, Dumbass!” Walking Orgasm chirped, “Having a nice morning?” 

“Cotton candy you!” Dumbass snapped, “What the candyland did you do?!” 

Sunshine giggled. 

“What? Are you ok with this?” Dumbass demanded.

    Sunshine shrugged. 

    “My brain is a jelly bean!” 

Sunshine laughed again. He couldn’t help it. “Your brain is a jelly bean? What’d you try to say, Dumbass?” 

“My brain is a jelly bean. I’m an idiot,” Dumbass said, “Golden ticket you, Walking Orgasm!” 

Walking Orgasm snickered. 

“Son of a my love!” Dumbass wailed. 

“Just stop swearing,” Sunshine told him, “They only messed with swears and names as far as I can tell.” 

“I can’t just not swear for a couple of cotton candy weeks until your evil boytoys get bored and put us back to normal!” Dumbass protested. 

“Then it’ll be a very cotton candy few weeks,” His Greatness said happily. 

“Cotton candy!” Walking Orgasm cheered. 

His Greatness scowled at him. “I can’t even tell which word you tried to say.” 

Sunshine shrugged. “I wouldn’t object to either.” 

“Or both?” Walking Orgasm tried hopefully. 

“Sounds like fun,” His Greatness said, snapping his fingers and vanishing himself, Walking Orgasm and Sunshine to an unoccupied bedroom. 

RainboW

“I hate this,” Dumbass sobbed, “Why, why, why is this my life? Cotton candy everything.” 

“I can make it worse,” Walking Orgasm said, walking in and grinning evilly at Dumbass. 

“Don’t you cotton candying dare!” Dumbass snapped. 

Walking Orgasm laughed. “Do you even pay attention to what’s coming out of your mouth, Dumbass?” 

“No, he doesn’t,” His Greatness said, appearing with Sunshine in his arms. 

Sunshine giggled, just kind of randomly. 

“His Majesty is holding my brother!” Dumbass wailed, “Set him down, strawberry fudge!” 

Sunshine giggled again. “It isn’t worth it, Dumbass,” he said, “Just give up.” 

“We like it when Sunshine gives up,” Walking Orgasm added, “It’s sweet.” 

“Sunshine, we cotton candy swore to never stop fighting these lollipops,” Dumbass said seriously, “You can’t give up. Sunshiney, you’ve got to help me.” 

Sunshine stayed melted into His Greatness’ chest. “Sorry, dearest. I love His Greatness and Walking Orgasm too much to fight them.” 

“On anything?” His Greatness asked, grinning gleefully. 

Sunshine sighed. “Oh, probably.” 

“Say ‘yes’,” His Greatness ordered. 

Sunshine rolled his eyes. 

“Sunshine, no!” Dumbass cried in a panic. 

“Sorry, dumbass,” Sunshine said. He looked up into His Greatness’ crystalline, sky blue, piercing, water-colored, lake deep orbs. “Yes,” Sunshine said. 

“No!” Dumbass screaming, falling to his knees on the floor and tearing large chunks of his hair out. 

“He said it!” His Greatness cheered, jumping up and down with excitement. 

“Whoa,” Sunshine complained, “You’re jolting me. Wait. Why aren’t I possessed?” 

“Cuz His Awesomeness knows I love threesomes,” Walking Orgasm said, “He’s being a great big brother by keeping himself separate enough from you that I get to have two dicks up my ass at once.” 

Dumbass screamed. “TMI! TMI! Lovey Dovey Loverboy help me I’m dying!” 

Sunshine started laughing. “I never thought I’d hear that come out of your mouth.” 

Lovey Dovey Loverboy appeared and knelt beside Dumbass. “Hello, Dumbass,” he said in his deep, grovely voice that did strange things to Dumbass. 

“Um, Hi, Lovey Dovey Loverboy,” Dumbass gasped out, looking at Lovey Dovey Loverboy with blown pupils. 

Lovey Dovey Loverboy looked confused. “I don’t understand. My name is Lovey Dovey Loverboy?” 

“Sorry, bro,” Walking Orgasm told him, “His Greatness and I were playing around.” 

“Walking Orgasm?” Lovey Dovey Loverboy asked, “That’s inappropriate.” 

Walking Orgasm just laughed and wiggled his eyebrows. 

“Lovey Dovey Loverboy,” Dumbass gasped, “I’m so glad you’re here. I can’t say cotton candy anymore!” 

“I don’t understand,” Lovey Dovey Loverboy said, “Dumbass, you just said cotton candy.” Lovey Dovey Loverboy paused for a moment to consider. “Why does Dumbass come out of my mouth when I try to say my love’s name?” 

“Cuz you’ve finally realised he’s a dumbass,” Walking Orgasm said helpfully. 

“That isn’t true,” Lovey Dovey Loverboy stated seriously. 

“Licorice, bro,” Walking Orgasm said, “I was joking. Ever heard of that?” 

Lovey Dovey Loverboy stared at Walking Orgasm. “I don’t understand.” 

Walking Orgasm sighed. 

“I’m sick of this!” Dumbass snapped, “Sunshine, make your idiot boyfriends quit!” 

Sunshine blinked. “Um… ok, Dumbass. I’ll try.” 

“But you won’t succeed,” His Greatness told Sunshine. 

“Walking Orgasm?” Sunshine pleaded. 

“We’re having way too much fun,” Walking Orgasm told him. 

Sunshine sighed, eyes dropping. “Sorry, Dumbass.” 

They couldn’t stand to see their Sunshine so woebegone. 

Walking Orgasm leaned up to whisper in Sunshine’s ear. Sunshine blushed red and whispered back. His Greatness added himself to the conversation. It ended with Sunshine making an offer that the other two accepted. They were all three blushing and hard. 

“What is going on?” Dean demanded, “Lovey Dovey Loverboy, what are they saying?” 

“It’s inappropriate,” Castiel told him flatly. 

“I wanna know what those two cotton candies are doing to my brother!” Dean yelled. 

“Dean, calm down,” Cas told him. 

“I will not lollipop calm down, Lovey Dovey Loverboy!” Dean yelled. 

“Dean, it’s fine,” Sam cut in, “Gabe and Lu aren’t hurting me.” 

“It’s your turn to complete your part of our deal,” Lucifer told Sam, lifting his head with a finger under his chin. 

“You made a deal with the cotton candy devil!?!?” Dean wailed, as Lucifer, Gabriel and Sam all disappeared. 

“I don’t understand,” Cas said. 

Dean turned to him, sighing. “What don’t you understand, Lovey?” 

Cas tilted his head, confused. “Why do you keep saying cotton candy?” 

“Cuz those lollipops cursed me,” Dean explained. 

“The curse was removed with the deal your brother made,” Castiel stated, “Your speech should have returned to normal.” 

“Rock candy!” Dean cursed, “I- I mean fuck.”

“Do you enjoy cursing in this unusual fashion?” Castiel inquired. 

Dean’s cheeks flushed. “No!” he lied, “No, I don’t. That would be so unmacho.” 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If this makes no sense to you, blame the characters. 
> 
> *points at Gabe* It was his idea! It's not my fault!


	4. Dancing and Strip Poker

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There was more nudity than I expected in this chapter. I think it's fair to keep the rating; let me know if anybody disagrees.

Dean had fumbled with the radio dial and ‘accidentally’ turned it to a station playing Taylor Swift’s  _ Safe and Sound _ . And now he seemed incapable of turning it back, despite loudly announcing that he hated the song and it made his ears hurt. 

Castiel walked stiffly over to Dean and bowed deeply. 

Dean looked confused. 

“Hello, Dean,” Cas said gravely, “May I have this dance?” He offered Dean his arm. 

“Huh?” Dean asked. 

“He watched  _ Pride and Prejudice _ with Gabe yesterday,” Sam called over in explanation. 

“Why was your less evil boyfriend watching a Jane Austen movie?” Dean asked. 

“Hey!” Gabriel protested, insulted, “I’m a lot Eviler than Satan!” 

“I have more Evil in my pinkie finger than you have in your whole body,” Lucifer said grandly. 

“Do not either!” 

“Gabby, kiddo, you haven’t even fallen,” Lucifer told him, “You’re as Evil as a squash.” 

“Well, you’re as Evil as a squirrel,” Gabe pouted. 

“You guys make no sense,” Sam complained. 

“Dean,” Castiel began, preparing to persuade Dean to dance with him with a long speech. 

Cas’ voice was so low and amazing and glorious that Dean’s knees went weak and he had to grab onto Cas to avoid falling to the floor. “I’ll do anything you want,” Dean almost moaned. 

Castiel smirked. “Dance with me.” 

“S-sure,” Dean said, in a high, breathy voice. Cas whisked Dean onto the dance floor and they began dancing to  _ Safe and Sound _ . Er, Cas was dancing, that is. Dean… maybe we shouldn’t discuss his dancing skills. Oh, right, we can’t because he doesn’t have any dancing skills. 

Dean’s foot clomped down on Castiel’s toes. 

“Ow,” Cas said, “Dean, that was my foot!” 

“Sorry,” Dean grumbled, “You’ve got a lot of feet, Cas.” 

“Just two!” 

“We should play strip poker,” Lucifer suggested. 

“In the living room?” Sam asked incredulously. 

“Live a little, Mr. Monk,” Gabe told Sam. 

“But my  _ brother’s _ in this room,” Sam protested. 

“So?” Gabe and Lucifer asked in unison. “He’s busy trying to look at Cas’ ass while they dance.” 

Sam glanced over at Dean. “He does look pretty occupied… you two are terrible influences, you know that?” 

“Is that a yes?” Gabriel asked hopefully. 

“Fine,” Sam sighed, “Let’s play strip poker in the living room while our brother’s dance to Taylor Swift music. This isn’t weird at all.” 

At least Sam didn’t have to strip in front of his brother. Lucifer was down to pants, having lost his socks and everything from the waist up, and Gabriel was in the same position. Sam still had both socks. 

“Wipe that smirk off your face,” Gabriel snapped, “I’ll get those socks off, so help me.” 

“You’re gonna need the help,” Sam informed him, smirk still very much intact. 

“At this point it’s a matter of pride to make him lose at least one round,” Lucifer said, “I’m sure we can manage that.” 

“Sure you can,” Sam said, smiling oh-so-sweetly. “Oh, looks like Gabe lost.” 

Gabe growled at him. 

“Pants off,” Lucifer told Gabriel smugly. 

“Why does Luci get to keep his pants?” Gabriel whined. 

“He didn’t lose  _ that _ badly,” Sam told him, “C’mon. You’re usually so eager to get your clothes off.” 

“When  _ your _ clothes are coming off too,” Gabriel grumbled, but he stood up and started artfully tugging down his pants- to reveal pale purple satin girl’s panties. 

“Oo, I like,” Lucifer said. 

Gabriel blushed and threw his pants at Lucifer’s head. 

Lucifer lost the next round. “Oh, well,” he sighed. 

“C’mon,” Sam said, “Pants off, and then we’ll see which of you two will lose first.” 

Lucifer quickly pulled off his pants, leaving him completely nude. “I’ve already lost,” he noted. 

“Don’t worry, I’ll exact revenge,” Gabriel told his naked brother. 

Sam giggled, blushing. 

Gabriel and Lucifer had a silent conversation with their eyes, and came to an agreement. Lucifer set out to distract Sam from the game with his naked body, and Gabriel set out to make Sam lose all of those annoying clothes. And with Lucifer draped across the floor in front of him, legs spread and hips rolling, Sam lost his socks, his pants, and his first shirt. 

He couldn’t seem to look away from Gabriel and Lucifer, who were both using their nudity or near nudity to their advantage with so many suggestive positions and movements. Sam took his boxers off while he was still wearing several layers of shirts

And once Sam was the wrong half naked (or was it the right half? ;) 

Anyway, Gabe and Luci distracted him, and the game was completely put aside for more fun activities in the bedroom. ;) 

 


End file.
